top of page
Writer's pictureOdile McKenzie, LCSW

Family First? How Trauma Teaches Black Folks to Prioritize Everyone but Themselves


boundaries. no

Let’s talk boundaries. You know, that magical thing that separates where you end and someone else begins. Sounds simple enough, right? But if you’re a Black person who grew up hearing things like, “Stay in a child’s place,” “I’m your mother,” or “Family sticks together,” you might be nodding real hard right now because you know boundaries are anything but simple.


For many of us, childhood wasn’t a free-for-all where our needs, feelings, and desires were honored. Nope, it was more like a tightrope walk over a pit of guilt, obligation, and fear of abandonment. And this, my friends, is where the boundary struggle begins.


The Family Dynamics That Shape Poor Boundaries

Black families, like all families, have their unique joys and challenges. But let’s be real: a lot of us were raised in households where boundaries were practically a foreign concept. Your mom sacrificed everything to send you to school? Well, now you owe her. That cousin who always oversteps? "Blood is thicker than water." And don’t even think about saying no to a family gathering — you’ll never hear the end of it.


Here’s the thing: these family dynamics often teach us that our worth is tied to how much we can give, do, or sacrifice for others. And as kids, we internalize these messages because they’re part of how we survive. If saying “no” to Auntie meant she gave you the cold shoulder for weeks, you learned that keeping the peace was more important than your own comfort.


How Trauma Makes Boundaries Even Harder

Trauma doesn’t just sit quietly in the corner of your mind. It shapes how you view yourself and the world. For many Black folks, trauma — whether it’s generational, racial, or personal — teaches us to prioritize others’ needs over our own. Why? Because deep down, we fear that setting boundaries might cost us love, acceptance, or safety.


When you grow up in a family system that says “family first, always,” you might feel guilty for wanting to put yourself first. And if you’ve experienced abandonment — whether literal or emotional — setting boundaries can feel like inviting rejection. People-pleasing becomes a survival skill. You learn to ignore your needs because saying “yes” keeps you in good standing with the people you care about.


Women, Sacrifice, and the "Strong Black Woman" Trap

If you’re a Black woman, chances are you’ve been groomed for sacrifice. Society loves the image of the strong Black woman — the caregiver, the fixer, the one who holds everyone down while quietly falling apart. But this narrative doesn’t leave much room for boundaries. In fact, it outright punishes you for having them.


From a young age, girls are socialized to be caretakers. Add in cultural messages like “I sacrificed so much for you” or “You’re the oldest, so you have to help take care of your siblings,” and suddenly your needs are at the bottom of the to-do list. This conditioning follows you into adulthood, where you’re juggling work, relationships, and family obligations with barely enough time to breathe.


Breaking the Cycle

The good news? You can learn to set boundaries, even if it feels awkward, scary, or downright impossible at first. Here’s how to get started:


1. Recognize the Patterns

Take a good, hard look at your family’s dynamics. What messages did you internalize about boundaries, sacrifice, and self-worth? Awareness is the first step toward change.


2. Challenge the Guilt

Guilt is a boundary’s worst enemy. Remind yourself that saying no doesn’t make you selfish or ungrateful. It just means you’re human.


3. Start Small

You don’t have to go from zero to “I’m cutting everyone off” overnight. Start with small, manageable boundaries. Maybe it’s skipping that phone call when you’re too tired or saying no to a favor you truly can’t handle.


4. Remember: Boundaries Are Love

Setting boundaries isn’t about keeping people out; it’s about letting them in — but on terms that work for you. Healthy boundaries actually strengthen relationships because they’re built on mutual respect.


Therapy can be a game-changer, especially if your struggles with boundaries are tied to trauma. A good therapist can help you unpack those childhood messages and build the skills to assert yourself without fear.


Final Thoughts

Learning to set and maintain boundaries isn’t easy, especially when you’ve spent a lifetime putting everyone else first. But it’s one of the most radical acts of self-love you can commit to. Because at the end of the day, you can’t pour from an empty cup — and you deserve to have your needs met just as much as anyone else.


So the next time someone guilt-trips you with, “But we’re family!” feel free to remind them that family is important, but so are you. And if all else fails, just smile and say, “I’ll think about it.” Boundaries, baby!

3 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


bottom of page